Tagged by a friend,

here are replies

1.If your lover betrayed you what would your reaction be?

What u throw around,comes around.

2.If you have a dream come true, what would it be?

To know myself.

3.If you could, whose butt would you like to kick?

No ones.And thats the reality.

4.What would you do with a billion dollars?

Spend half a billion and make another billion from remaining.

5.Will you fall in love with your best friend?

You cant question or set conditions in love.Otherwise it is anything but love.If u decide to love someone or not, its not love.

6.Which is more blessed: loving someone or being loved by someone?

Being loved by some one can do a lot of good to a person.Loving some one is often not so healthy.

7.How long do you intend to wait for someone you love?

Classical hopeless romantics response : Till eternity.

8.If the person you secretly like is attached, what will you do?

May be not try to get close to her.Will not stop loving her.Anything can happen.Thats love bollywood style.Remember RHTDM?(Madhvan )

9.If you could root for one social cause, what would it be?

Enough of Social causes.Plz kindly leave the world alone.Just try to do whatever work you have in hand to perfection and plz plz leave causes alone.

10.Do you lie?

No i dont. Hey hey hey.

11.Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?

10 years with family, 20-25 years would like to become a teacher, any capacity.

12.What’s your fear?

Losing my grip on myself.Cracking. up.

13.What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?

Good natured, away from dark side,emotional .

14.Would you rather be single and rich or married and poor?

Single and rich have lots of options to get married so.......

15.If you fall in love with two people simultaneously who will you pick?

Its easy, who ever picks me up.

16.Would you give all in a relationship?

Yes.

Thats what all want to say but i have a hidden place, a corner thats in acessible.My own space and my individuality is necessary fr me.Sorry but true.

17.Would you forgive and forget someone no matter how horrible a thing he has done?

Yep.

18.Do you prefer being single or in a relationship?

Single.You feel alone and all that but theres no guilt, no commitments, no expectations, lesser lies.And you really believe in love and all that.And you are free as a cloud.

And you dont hurt anyone.

19 Your all time favourite song. Only ONE. And why?

Pal pal dil key pass tum rehti ho.Film Black mail.

Tum sochogi kyon itna,

Main tumsey pyaar karoon,

Tum samjhogi deewana, Main bhi iqraar karoon.

Deewano ki ye batein, Deewaney jantey hain,

Jalney main kya maza hai,

Parwaney jantey hain.

Tum yun hi jalatey rehna, aa aa kar khwabon main............

Pal pal dil key pass...................

If theres anything more romantic then these lines, well i havent heard them.

Retrospect.............

In retrospect everything in life seems funny to me .Including all the painfull and at that time devastating things.So may be this period of my life will also seem funny after a couple of years ??
Ah that will be the time to write.
I still remember my college in Haldwani where i did my Bsc from.The first day i joine d, i was shocked , there were close to 3oo students in Bsc ZBC.300.If all came the class would be jampacked.Luclkily , even half didnt use to come.So i picked a register and sat in the class and learned about Algae in the first lecture.All the following incidents are real and believe me are nt made up.

The chemistry teacher came to class with a Big notebook and wrote even the date wrong.When we all laughed he said since you know kindly correct.He gave a example and got confused himself and again consulted his big register.More laughter.

Out of the 5 units of Botany, we were only taught Algae,Algae, and and more Algae.Yaar ye aagey kyon nahi badta hai?I asked my friend.His Phd was on this algae only and he doesnt knows any other unit.Even at the end of year he will teach alagae.
What man, dont joke.
Wanna bet?
I lost the bet , even at the end of year he was again teaching, Algae.

In practical exams the Chemistry assistant used to take money fr identifying the salts.

During the final exams we got to know, suddenly the course has been changed.Actually it was changed 2 years ago but no bodywas aware of it.After frantic search for the book , we got it 2 days before the paper.

In Zoology there was a favourite question ,Digestive system of Unio.I had mugged that up.In exams it was the digestive system of Pila.I just changed the heading from unio to pila and passed.After all dont both of them digest food?????

Once i was waiting to purchase my exams form.The clerk said its now 2 o clock, so i wont give it to u.I said ok and was going back.Just then i saw another guy came and take the form.I asked the Clerk y not to me.He siad:
That guys my friend .So i gave it to him and i wont to you.Do whatever u want.
I lost my temper.............
A long heated discussion(with ample swear words,threats to physical harm,actual confrontation) followed at the end of which not only me but 15 -20 students around there got the forms.But i was not happy.So much energy lost because of this small incident??
That incident calmed me a lot.

In my final year i had a serious problem.I had only 53% from my 2 years and i needed 60%minimum from all 3 years.Tht meant i needed around 70% in final year.That meant nearly topping college.
I mugged madly all irritating diagrams and charts and all.That year i studied like hell.

I will forever remeber my Chemical practical viva exam all my life .It used to be held in a group of four and 4-5 examiners sitting , questioning and enjoying humilating you.We were called alphabetically 4 at a time. When we got there, they were all laughing.The last of the girls was having her viva:
In middle of the Lab, there was a married girl,with a pippette in front of her.
Tell us whats it in frnt of you?
Sir....Sir................Sir/..............Silence.
Tell beta, dont be afraid, say its a beaker.
Sir its a beaker.

Laughter all around.

No no no beta its a burette,say it correctly.

Sir Sir Sir .......................................
say naa
its a burette

Its a burette sir...
Outroar of laughter.

Beta why did u take chemistry?How will u pass?Tell me the name of any one of ur teachers.
She answered correctly and was allowed to leave.

Then amongst laughter we 4 were called.

Whats that in front of you?
All said pipette.But my voice had a hard anger.
They turned to me
Tell me its spelling and its use and its type.
I replied angrily correctly.From then on we were discussing the electronic shells of carbon and its valency and all.
In the end they said good go.
I got 42 out of 50 in that viva highest i ever got in Bsc viva.

In my written , i wrote 20 pages where only 4 would suffice, i made elaborate diagrams, charts and got near my goal.My final Bsc % is 59.9%. 11 Marks short of whats required of a 3 year first division.
So what do u learn from this?That create a buffer of marks and then enjoy.In my Msc i got GPA of 8 in first sem and let it fall.It didnt fall beyond 7.5.

In pantnagar, you are under one Teacher whos your advisor.He/She is the master of your fate.Everything depends on him .Your courses,your thesis, your submission date,your future.
My advisor used to ask me everytime that she used to catch me after a gap.
So tell me what are your achievements in this period?
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Playing Table tennis till 2 AM,Watching3 movies in a night,Driving a motorbike on a highway with no headlights,Sleeping whole of sunday,Reading novels no one ever read from the liabrary(really i was the first person to issue some books in 35 years)..................................................

Sure could not tell her all that.

But i really lived my life in Pantnagar.More about it some time.

Most memorable journey.

It was the january of 2005.We planned a trip to Masourie as it was the last Semester of My Msc and probably the last chance to go with friends.
We arrived in Dehradun by train.The guys that were supposed to meet us Gairola and Nayan were absent.When we called them they told us they had assumed the train would be late and had not turned up.
Hum...............
Well we waited at the station .It was the start of some mad adventures.
Gairola arrived and took us to his uncles home and then we went off to see Buddha temple.It was great and all right except when Nayan sat on the seat of The high priest to get photographed and the normally silent Buudhist monks threatened to beat us..................

We took a hotel room and brought the drinks.It was my first time that i tasted alcohol and i didnt remember anything except that i had a great sleep.
In the morning the guys were angry with me.It seems i had occupied the largest portion of bed and blankets and had kicked any body trying to encroach my territory.
Sorry guys you made me try it...............

The bus that was supposed to come at regular intervals was late............

We reached mussorie and were told that we will be spending the night at a temple dharamshala quite far away.First we roamed around mussorie. We spent some time at the Lal bahadur Shastri Academy for IAS officers.Some of the groups had dreams...............

Then the madness started.

Depending on our Local well informed guides we were told that Surkhanda devi was the place, Natural beauty,Himalayas and free accomodation in Dharamsala.
We took a jeep to half way up to dhanaulti .Then we walked...............
It seemed after walking 5-6 Kms and if u add all the kms walked from Mussorie (15 at least )that we were still 15 - 20 kms away from destination.Evening was setting in and maneaters were assumed to be quite near...................
It was biting cold with snow fall the previous day.Luckily a truck gave us a ride to the base of temple.The temple was still 4-5 kms straight up.................

Off we went and just managed to reach the temple at darkness.We asked for the dharamshala and were laughed at by the temple people.There were only 2 bare rooms no beds no lights no heaters no food..................
Our guides looked a bit lost........
However soon we got 3-4 blankets per person and lit a fire.
For food we begged the temple people who gave us ingredients for Khichri and cooker.Bt the problem was water.We asked some army men guarding a tower fr water.They offered us liquor..............Somehow we gt a bucket full all fr us........
Well we ate and the food just disaapeared due to exhaustion and cold.
We retired for the night fully clothed .The door was a hilly style with a sankel .Before lying down we had closed it by inserting the axe used to chop wood fr fire.Wise........

Well if its a temperature of around zero, lying on a bare cement floor is not the most comfortable.The problem was should we lay the blankets down or cover ourselves as there were not enough fr both.We huddled together the five of us.
Suddenly in night we heard a scratching sound as if some animal was trying to force the door in..........................

What followed was a the greatest night of my life.We were afraid and having no option we poked fun on each other.Still none had the courage to go and check.The guys in corner were most vulnerable or so it seemed.It was crazy laughing afraid ..........

The morning arrived and the count was still five.On the door there were some marks.Of paws who knows?..........................

That visit also confirmed to me that taking sanyas was not that easy.The temple priest was standing bare foot while even with thick socks i was praying fr the pooja to be over.More than my spiritual longing , bodily comforts were more demanding.

When we reached mussorie we were as allways, short of money and Mussorie was a tourist city quite expensive.We followed nepali labourers to a cheap restaurant favourited by them.We ate so fast that the poor owner was nt able to cook fr us.We ate everything he had including at the end rotis with pickles...............

And we still had money to return to dehradun.We went to reservation counter and were in line.One guy had gone to take money out from ATM while the clerk was threating to cancell our tickets if we didnt payed and the people in line were getting in mood to thrash us........

In the train there were lady cops .Quite beauttifull and although i tried to warn the guys ,

Police wali honey sey pehley wo bhi ek ladki hai dost.Unkey bhi arman hain , unki bhi kuch bhawnayein hain.............
Quite right they were.

Mumbai : I arrived in Mumbai on my first Posting.I didnt get the office guest house and had to stay in hotel for two days.
I got the guest house .And met my characters :
Mr A the incharge of Administration .He told me calmly,
Although you have got the guest house, In case of emergency it may happen that i may have to throw you out.
Although flats are empty you will have to wait at least fr 10 days.
You can not get nearby flats even when they are empty.They are reserved for senior officers.

Good.
The first night in guest room i shared with a senior officer.The first evening he grilled about the need for Microbiology instruments and moreover the need of Microbiologists.
After futile arguing , i got what he wanted:
Yes sir.
Two words that have proved so usefull.
Another corollary is
You are absolutely correct Sir.


The first few days were too much dark,
I had a upset stomach, i was alone more then 2500kms away from my family,i was in constant danger of being thrown out on street.
I got office flats that are 25 kms away from office.
The first day of joining a senior told me :
Accha hua aap aagey.Ab humko to kuch pata nahi sab aapko hee sambhalna hai.

The microbiology lab was a room in which everything was stuffed into.We were expected to give outputs as compared to private labs when to buy even basic instruments a thick files to be made.

Mumbai didnt charmed me so much.I love cold.I hated the humidity.I got to work.I expored Mumbai.

The Soul of Mumbai : The soul of Mumbai is ,
To gain some lose some.
If you have a dream and capability to undergo anything to see it turn real, Mumbai is the best place to be in.The citys hard n full of opportunities.Its a city for working, gaining, activity.The problem was i had no such dream.
And no friends here.Suddenly those hostel days seemed so far away.The dinner at 12pm in dhabas, the night rides out fr drinks on bikes with no headlights on highways,the night workings in lab i missed them.

The process:

Sitting in my lab , i heard excited voice of my junior.Sir finally theres a job for Microbiologist.
wow i said.But will i get it?
The junior was soon heart broken because to apply he had to clear his Msc .He was still studying.
And i the great had passed.So i was eligible to apply.So where almost 20 people from my department.Probably 20,000 all over India.
But who cares , thers a job and the advertisement said Scientist, equivalent to Gadgeted officer of central goverment.
Better than a Junior research fellow.
The word Scientist is so exciting.It kind of denotes that you are intelligent.A belief that i needed desperately.So finally printouts of forms were taken and a combined bunch was made and sent.

The first jolt:
Beta your form has come back.Its written that you had to sent it by ordinary post but you had sent it by registered post .It was what my dad told me.
Already last date had passed.But what the hell i had already spent the money on paying fees.
So i asked dad to sent it again by ordinary post.
What will be the use?Asked dad.
Like so may other questions raised by my parents i was groping fr answers for this one.Any ways he sent it.
Soon i recieved the admit card.Instead of Microbiology as a subject it mentioned Mechanical engineering.
What the hell?I was as far away from Mechanical engineering as Sonia Gandhi is away from Narendra Modi.
I called up and told them about the mistake.They said since the papers common for all branches , you give the written first.I countered what will happen later?
First you clear written.They snubbed.
Very true i said.
So finally the night arrived.
And i had to follow my ritual.See the giving of CAT for last two year had set my friend and me into a kind of ritual.
Go to delhi one night before.Seek the same budget hotel in paharganj .Try to get our lucky room for 300 Rs .Pack the paneer tikka from nearby same restaurant.Grab beer.Into the room.Forget about papers fr the night.
This time i was alone but i followed the ritual.

And i cleared the written.

Good.I had calls from IIM Ahmedabad and Kolkata for phd in management and couple of pvt colleges fr MBA.And this was also very pleasing.Now i had lots of options.The ritual worked.

The options start dwindling:I make a trip to ahmedabad.First give the interview of MICA that i really liked because it was closest to my heart.Communications wow.In the GD every one shouted .Me too.In the interview they simply asked Why should we take you?
I had so many reasons:

1. Heart reason: Communications means ads, films , scripts, media.I love reading ,fancy myself as writer.My heart says you will get salvation when others either laugh after reading you or tear your books away.But channeling your output in other forms of communications was also good as a career and will keep me in something that i love doing.

2. Money Reason: Really if you strike it big in media moolah and glamour are yours for taking.Fast bucks and maybe fast gals too.

3.Desperate Reason: Where will i go?What will i do if every body rejects me?I have not joined phd .I am feeling insecure.I need you .Please admit me.

Instead i said something so conventional and stupid even my sub consciousness has forgetten it.Actually i also started asking myself why they should take me?
More then 500 people were there for interviews and gd that day.5 Centres and 5 more days fr interviews.500 rs from all.This sures management.

Dream comes true: I walked into IIM Ahmedabad campus with my call letter for interview.I was ecstatic.I was there.Ok for an Interview only.But there.
The place every body writing CAT dreams of.
The place thats best in India.


I was given a room in hostel for three days.My interview was on second day.First day i spent ogling at campus wide eyed.Trying to absorb it all.I met fellow candidates.I had applied for Human Resource management.And i had no idea about it.

I had my own ideas about whats human resource.I had my lessons from life.I had certain beliefs.Treat peole well , give them encouragement, allow them to grow, spark their imaginations , lead them into exploring them selves and alternate ways of thinking.Very simple and common.Yes very simple and common and very absent from life.Especially science.My idea was to blend all these theories practically into scientific research and give our science a new look.Turning research projects that drag for years into market oriented from start and students sharing their working vice versa with industry.I had written about that in the paper you have to submit along with application.
I had no knoweldge of so called management theories.My maths was pathetic .I did not knew any body who had done Phds from IIM or even given a interview.

The other guys included a IAS, a management teacher, a researcher from IIM Kolkata .
My interview was a disaster.The quant guy looked ay my score and wondered who had let me in.He asked a simple stat question that i blurted wrong.I paraded something about my beliefs but even i had lost interest till then.

That day the placements for MBA guys was taking place in Campus.From my hostel room i could see them engrossed in talks with employers.In the evening by coffee shop there were rumors of astronomical salaries.

I brought a stat book for cas , downloaded some management theories stuff and on way to kolkata managed to mug half of the matter i had.

Kolkata was funny. : I met a really sweet senior girl who guided us very sweetly.I was actually in her hostel room along with her pet cat.I wanted to be in IIM Kolkata to see her and probably be again in that room.

The interview started :
Where have you come from.
I answered.

Why have you come here?
To see kolkatas girls.Means dont you guys know why i am here?(Inside)
Out side : Sir for getting admission into the finest program for HRM phd in country.

Who told you we are the best?
Sir IIM kolkata is known for management research and Students passing out from here are Faculty in top management colleges in India and abroad.The products speak for themselves.

Oh you are a scientist?A researcher?So now scientists are doing management haan?May be we should call people from NASA next.
No no he said best in country not world.Lets call people from AIIMS next.
Look at his quant score .He will definitely fail.
With that they closed my form.
Beta you can not pass here.

Sir i will try my level best.I will spend the next 3 months before the start of course doing maths.By the time the course starts i will be ready.

Not possible they said.Then some body asked me some theory of HRM.It was not in my downloaded stuff.

Beta aisey bina padey nahi aana chahiyey idhar.Jaao.

OK.
So i had nothing to lose .I had another interview for Marketing that Head IIM Kolkata was taking along with two others.I knew about marketing really lesser.But i let go all guns.
I made theories and i made strategies and i talked about visibility and i thought i sounded good.
The members listened.

Then the head told me that i was making a mistake by switching streams.He advised me to go for phd in science.
All others were waiting for results.I was drinking beer.

In between i got admissions into 2-3 pvt colleges.Not top grade.And they wanted lakhs.And they wanted non refundable advance.I was feeling sick.

I went for my Scientist Interview.The questions were basic.And i knew them.

I DECIDE : AN MBA from a b grade college was not that exciting.Phd meant four more years of studying.
And here was a job.Of goverment.Of scientist.

Ok lets earn money baby.

First Jolt :
You are not Goverment gadgeted officers.
You may not be posted in labs.
The labs are not that exciting and are outdated.
Theres no research work here.

Good.

The truth dawned fast.People from all over India who had joined were jolted .They made noises but slowly start getting adjusted.

The training was good.AC classes to sleep, boring lectures to hear.And the best part were the tests to flunk.
May be i should stop.If some snior reads it i am gone.

You know whats the most complex thing about human beings?

Its the feeling of expresseion , of giving rise to a view , a thought that you think you think.
Watch the pitfall again , its not typed twice.

Are we really as intelligent good or as foolish or bad as we all think??
Not known.But theres another feeling why am i not the king of the world or why do the stars and the universe not follow my bidding?Thats the reason why people write paint, form organizations and in this modern age blog, like yours truly.This is the reason of satiring every one elses thinking.Actually very few people want to work silently.Doing small things that make a bigger picture.Every bodys got his views on why the picture of our society is so hazy but very few actually clean up their part of the pane.Personally this is my dream living in some small place with acess to net and doing something very small on a grand terms.Like teaching children bt not just making them pass high school but getting them into some of the best careers that we have to offer.But again see the paradox , i like all am writing or say blogging and not cleaning my part of the pane.

Hum complex it is.No?
Some body very famously said I think , therefore I am.
I think therefore i have doubt wether I am?

Welcome all.

There are some urges that can not be stopped.Delayed bt not killed.Writing is one of them fr me.
I will take you on a journey to the insides of my mind rather truthfully ,not completely because pure truths very bitter and its the rejection of pure truth thats responsible for a vide interplay that we see around us.But i hope that you all will enjoy this journey as much as i do.
Firstly , theres a collection of poems that i have in typed form and am pasting them here.Lots have been kept in 3 diaries and many are lying incomplete.Many are in hindi.
But why do i write?I believe there are only two types of writers , people who can write, construct beautifull mansions of words each having a passage way to a different experience.And then there are some who have to write .To get rid of the feelings swirling inside the chest.People who have something to say , may be only one line in the whole book gives you the idea of what the author had to say.Hes writing the whole book just to get that one line out of his heart.
Sounds strange?
Well the journeys just begin .


Sitting alone again in the evening,
Watching changes again.
Some outer and some internal,
If you can define the problem,
You can get the solution,
If you have clear desire,
It may be full filled ,
A dream that's in your eyes ,
May be turned into reality,
What about this emptiness,
Empty and not yet totally,
What about this madness
Insane and in comprehensible,
Why do words fall short?
Why does reason fails?
Why this journey doesn't takes permission?
Blame me and stand apart,
Enter my skin and then judge,
Moving in steps
And looking for that ascent,
Deep deeps the well
Into which have descent.




Death dearest waiting fr me
From the moment i was born u had ur eyes on me,
Hadnt u?
One slip a wrong turn ,
And u will be with me,
There have been times when breathings useless,
Hearts heavy emotionless,
Then worlds gone away and i have felt u coming near,
Your breath so seducing poisonous intoxicating,
You are the last resort the last sleep,
You are the lover that betrays none,
And i have been steps away frm you,
I have looked in ur eyes and broken ur heart,
So inviting so waiting,
You wait fr me dont you?
All the ideals all the pains
all the losses and all the gains
In one swipe u will wipe away,
And then blankkkk
Switched off never to turn on........
Dont worry ur waits still going on,
Bt u know its not gonna be futile,
And one day we will walk hands held together,
Where ever u wanna take me to,
What ever u wanna do with me to
And u know the paradoxs is Even if we both want to leave each other,
Its the only sure thing in this madness,
That one day we have to be together.
Death dearest waiting fr me...............................................





When the Sun Sets and alls dark,
When the World has gone away far,
When the day is about to end ,
And the Stars are about to descent,
In that moment i think of You,
In that Moment I call to you,
And I beg You to come,
Just Once Just Once.
When this lifes about to end
And the after Life about to begin,
In that moment i will think of you,
In that Moment i will call to You,
May be it would be useless to call to You,
As is Now,But i will,
And Hope that You will come,
Just Once Just once.





There is a girl ,Probably Not made for me,
But what matters to me is she's there,
Walking on the face of the earth,
Living her life, and making my life livable.
She may be the companion of someone else,
My waits mine ,
She may laugh at some ones else's jokes,
The laughter's mine and mine alone,
She may love someone else
,My loves mine,
Mine alone.
And rest as they say does not matters,
What's a truth and what's a fiction ,
Picture unclear un understandable,
Colors overlapping, intermixed,
But what matters is there is a canvas to paint,
A story to write ,
And the imaginations mine,
Mine alone,My waits mine,Mine alone.